My dad believes in love at first sight.

I found this out on my way back from Amish Iowa while munching on fresh cheese curds. It kinda took me aback. I mean, who really believes in love at first sight?? And in the "Fireworks, bells and whistles electricity" sort of way?

I guess my dad does. Because that's how he described it.

My parents have been in love for 30 years. Next week is their 30th anniversary. The thing is they're still in love with eachother, madly in love. It wasn't uncommon for me growing up to walk into the kitchen and find my parents making out. Yeah, a little gross and slightly disconcerting. But life hasn't always been easy on my parents. They've had to deal with cancer twice, my dad going partially blind, living in the Philippines, and well the list goes on. I've never heard my mom complain about my dad and I don't think I've really seen them argue in front of me. All I've ever seen is their love.

And the thing is, it's what I want to strive for. I never want to settle for second best or even third. I don't want third string junior varsity, I want the starter on varsity. In other words, I want the best. I look at alot of relationships around me and I see them settling. Scared that they'll never find their soulmate, they go with the warmest body around.

Most of the guys in the general population I find pretty boring. The do the same things, like the same things and are pretty predictable. Maybe that's why I'm drawn to the off-beat guys who do their own thing. They have stories about their adventures and I'm drawn to an adventurous guy who isn't always constrained by society's norms. I like different.

So to sum it up, I don't believe in love at first sight mainly because I've never felt that way before towards anyone.

Maybe it does exist. Or maybe, like most things, it develops slowly over time getting richer and better.

The Wall

Background music: Pink Floyd's "The Wall"

Last night I sat in gravel and stared at a wall for a couple of hours.

And no, I wasn't high.

The wall is covered in rocks with multicolored bits of tape stuck next to it.
And I sat staring. Figuring out a red route, a black route, and my nemesis green.

Once you pick your color, you follow the problem through, figuring your left, right hands, where you're gonna match feet, when you should throw in a heel hook or a dyno.

You see the end goal.

Life's not like that though. In life you stare at your climbing wall looking at a bunch of various colors, you pick your route, and you have no idea where the route will end.

I think I might loathe you....

at least partially.

See for a while, things were working out. I had my doubts especially since I'm leaving in a couple of weeks and I didn't think it would really work out long-distance wise.

But I said "What the hell?" and did it anyways. Throwing caution to the wind, I checked you out, learned more about you, and then decided to go for it. (Besides, you were cute)

And for a while, things were good. We went to the movies and you didn't interrupt me once. (Which was a refreshing change). We had the lunch dates, the dirty dive bar times, and when I thought it was working, I challenged you on the slopes.

You kept up. You didn't slack. You kept your promises and didn't disappoint.

Then last week, you decided that we weren't working out. You started forgetting things, things that were really, really important to me. And it wasn't just forgetting the small things, it was also dropping the ball when I needed you most.

Yes, I know people recommended you highly to me. But the sad thing is, I can't go back to the way things were. I'm kinda stuck with you for the moment, and I'm just waiting for the chance for me to move and forget you.

So this post is dedicated to you, my blackberry pearl 8100, Cause I think I might loathe you.

So it finally had to happen.

I had one of those "Oh Sh*t" moments.

You know when you realize what you are about to do and you're half terrified and half so pumped to do it? Yeah.

I dropped my brother off at the airport and thought "this is the last time I'm gonna see him for two years." Which just made my mind ramble into all the other last things I'll get to do before I leave.

And then, I pretty much hyperventilated.

What if I threw a party and no one came? What if I hated it there? What if people don't remember me? What if everything is so foreign when I return?

A quick phone call to Ang that went pretty much like "Are you f-ing kidding me?!?! Snap out of it! Of course it won't be horrible"

And then I remembered that I'm also excited. Yeah, there's stuff I can't do, but there is so much other stuff that I could do there. (Like becoming an amazing surfer, using a machete, getting a sweet tan, living in a rainforest.....oh and helping people too)

So I snapped out of it and for now I'm just being. Living in the moment and enjoying it for all it's worth.

I'm leaving.

In two months I'll be leaving for Panama with the Peace Corps.
And for once, I just want you to listen.
I don't want to hear about your relationship problems.
I don't want to over analyze a comment or an email.

I'm saying good-bye to life I've always known,
And saying hello to one I don't.
I'm packing up and moving on.
And for once, I just want to talk.

I want to talk about how excited
I will be,
How nervous I am,
How I am going to miss the most important
events in those lives around me.

I just want to talk about
saying good-bye
And for once I want you to just sit there
And not criticize me,
Not to judge me,
And not to tell me how to pack.

I want to talk about my feelings
(And I don't do this very much)
But for once,
Can you just listen
And let me cry
on your shoulder instead?

Update

So first of all I have to say, it's hard being poor. It takes lots of planning and prep and you have to be pretty creative. Okay, I'm done whinning. Here's an update of how I spent all of my cash money:

$250 on a phone. Yes, you can start yelling at me now. But technically it was a present from Mummy & Daddy, so really I didn't spend that money at all.

$80 on skiing. It was an all day event and tons of fun. From a money standpoint, not the best thing to spend my dolla bills on, but from a physical & physcological standpoint, well worth it. Plus my brother is coming into town and I have to be better than him once I hit the slopes.

$15 going out. Pretty cheap, considering it covered 2 beers, appetizers, a cover charge, and two nights of fun.

I've only gone out to eat a couple of times and I'm learning how to make my lunch!!!! Small victory for me, but still a victory.

So yeah, still learning on how to live on half my income, but my savings account is looking amazing and I'm not starving to death.

Change.

Saturday I found myself sitting in an auditorum at Colorado College looking at horrific images flashing across a screen. Tears started streaming down my face and I was so moved that I didn't even bother to brush them away.

Some friends and I went to watch "The Devil Came on Horseback" an independent film regaring the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan. It's one thing to see fake gory violence, it's another to see an image of a child who was burned to death. I never cry when I see movies and usually never cry in general. So why was I so moved by this?

It's because it's injustice. It's wrong. When we as people are not moved by horrific images, there is something wrong with our society.

How can we see injustice and not act against it? If we fail to act, essentially we are like the German citizens of the 1930's who knew about the concentration camps and did nothing.

In the past I would hear about programs such as Displace Me or even (Red), but I never bothered to do anything about it. In fact, I criticized the programs and even the people who would participate in them citing that the programs were not sustainable, poorly run, etc. I would get on my high horse using example after example of programs that essentially hurt the people groups that the NGO's were trying to help. **most of these examples were pulled from "A Bed for the Night"

Wow. How much a view can change after traveling to a 2nd world country and coming face to face with the problems that you have been critiquing from the cushy chairs of a bohemian coffee shop.

You know, even though a program or solutions to a problem are not ideal, at least it's something. It might not be sustainable, but it works for the here and now. (And if any of you know me, you would realize that this idea flies in the face of all my financial and economic education).

So, I know the idea going through your mind is "What's Jamie going to do about it?"

I'm going to write letters to my Senators and Congressman, I'm going to become more and better informed. I'm going to write to the President.

P.s. And don't worry. I'm not going to go on the "Free Tibet" campaign....yet.

Experiment

I'm gonna start something new. Maybe it'll become a fad and I'll be credited as the first person to do it. Or it won't and I'll fail spectacularly because I can't keep the momentum going.

I'm going to start living on half my income. It officially started on Monday and I'll see how long I can last. It shouldn't be too hard as I was a finance major in college and I play with money all day long. I won't eat out every meal, I'll only go to the mountains on the weekend using free lift tickets, and I won't blow a whole paycheck on a painting. (Yes, I love art. Support the arts!)

So yes. I'm now living below poverty. I guess I'll see what happens. Ideally I'm living on half my income so that when I do get accepted to the Peace Corps, I can quit my hell hole of a job and work at Starbucks.

Yep, right now that's my aspriration. To become slightly bohemian and work at a coffee shop. It doesn't make sense to stay at my job if I know I'm leaving. And besides, it would be fun. Ok, it would also be irresponsible, but that's part of the fun.

Dream Big.

Tomorrow....

is January 25, 2008.

And I will be 26. Ok, I can't hyperventilate. I just can't. 26 means that I'm not in my early 20's anymore. I'm going to be in my late 20s.... Oh Crap!!!

Turning 25 was a mild heart attack. And that was only because my mom got married when she was 25 and I wasn't even dating anyone. (And for some reason that was a big deal for me to get married before I was 25) But I got over my insecurities and braved my fears of being single. And I can now honestly say that I'm happy to be adventerously single.

Yes, 25 was a good year. But it was a hard year. I learned lots of difficult lessons including:

* When do you help someone out and when do you just let them face the consequences of their actions?

* Who am I and do I really like the person that I've become? (I realized who I was, and I realized that I really didn't like the person I became, so I wised up, learned more about who I want to become and changed for the better)

* Being content in all circumstances. (Single, dating, friends, friends with benefits.... ok, scratch that last one. Friends with benefits just sucks and I don't recommend it at all)

* Which would lead me to the last huge, large lesson that was the hardest to learn. Teaching myself that I deserve better than what I settle for. That I'm worth it. Yeah cliched but so true. (Props to Doug on this one!)


So all this to say that 25 was a good year, a hard year, but one worth going through.

If I had to make a soundtrack for 25, it would include copious amounts of Bright Eyes, Derek & the Dominoes, Coldplay, Smashing Pumpkins and oddly Andrea Bocelli.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will
be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

It's a saying that's been resonating in my brain for a good month. I don't really understand it nor know what it means. But I think the first two words are key: "Be still".

I'm not still very often. Most of the time my schedule is so jam packed that I had to go out and buy a planner. Yes, a planner. Like the one we used in college.

So for now I'm trying to learn what being still would look like for me. Maybe it's just taking time at the end of the day to journal or maybe it's just taking those adventurous hikes were I end up getting lost and stalked by mountain lions.

Whatever it is, I need to do it. Just to be still and know that He is God. (Not me).

Cold Showers

It's been a problem creeping around my house in the wee hours of the morning. No one knows when it's going to strike and you just hope that it's not going to be you.

So the Russian Roulette had been spun, and I was the lucky one.

First of all, nothing wakes you up quite like a cold shower. Your teeth chatter and really the only good thing that comes from it is that your hair usually looks more shiny.

I can't complain too much though. Cause on most days I do have hot running water. And I have running water 24/7 be it hot or cold.

That can't be said in alot of places of the world. Yeah, they might have running water, but not all the time. And they probably don't have heated water.

So I guess this is a post about being thankful for what I have. And for a cold shower to make me realize it all.

Best email of 2007...

"Dear Jamie,

I do not even know if you remember me. My name is Stefan and we had a sublime conversation that I wanted to last for a lifetime because you were funny and witty and mischievous and beautiful inside out. I guess I should be thankful that you spent time with me on your last night in Shanghai....No matter where you are I wish you a wonderful Christmas and hope you can spend it with the ones you love and treasure the most and that Santa brings you heaps of presents no matter if you were naughty or nice naughty is so much more fun tho).
It is meeting people like you who make me smile. Thank you. Maybe I will have the pleasure to see you again. Who knows."

It's emails like this that make me smile and realize that all is right with the world.

First is the worst, Second is the best....

Being the 2nd born kid, I'm used to be screwed over.

My sister gets more attention and money (albeit most of the attention she gets is negative) any my brother is the the wonderkid boy genius that could get away with murder. Me? Well, sometimes I get the short end of the stick, the shorter phone calls, less presents at Christmas, etc. (And all you 2nd born kids know exactly what I'm talking about)

But the problem that I've now come to realize is that I'm used to being 2nd, I'm used to being taken for granted. And this generally shows in my relationships with others, mostly guys.

Take the guys I've dated, for the most part I was never a priority in their life. I was just Jamie and that was it. I wasn't anyone special for them to carve anytime out of their schedule or their life. Or even take the guys I haven't dated but were interested in me. They never made any statements of how they feel about me, they never took the time to say.

And now, that's what I've come to expect from relationships. Which can pretty much be summed up into one sentence "Don't expect too much from anyone because then they will end up hurting you; so just go with the flow and let it be 'whatever'."

I know it's not a good perspective and I know it's one that needs to change, mainly because I deserve better. But the problem is, I don't know where to start.

How to you start teaching yourself that you deserve better when you feel like all that you have ever been treated is second rate?

Wish you were here

As I was driving to work I glanced at the car next to me. It was packed with 5 people looking bleary eyed and yawning. I looked at their ski rack and yep, it had snowboards in it.

How nice would it be to go skiing.

Side note:

My New Year's Eve was awesome. I only say this because last year my New Year's Eve completely sucked with everyone getting mad at everyone else. They say that how you ring in the new year is indicative of how you will spend it. I had alot of fun, made a couple of new friends and just enjoyed life. That's how it should be right?

So 2008, I'm expecting a whole hell of alot.

It was just my imagination, running away with me....

So my morning has gone kinda like this:

Hitting the snooze button at least five times to get some sembalance of sleep and then rushing through the shower so I was to work on time.

Using this new product on my hair that's supposed to straighten it, but it ends up giving me all these kinky crazy curls, then blow drying it to make it look better causing me to be even more late than I am. (And my hair still looks like crap)

Starting my car and slightly freaking out cause it sounds wierd. Maybe it has something to do with it being overdue by about 3,000 miles on an oil change. So I don't turn my heater on and freeze on my drive to work.

Spacing out as I'm driving, listening to Oldies and looking at the spedometer and realizing that I'm going 85 in a 55mph work zone. Oops.

Walking up three flights of stairs, turning when I see the hikers, walking down the hallway to my cubicle only to realize that my cubicle doesn't have those picture frames on there, nor does the cubicle next to me have plants. Confused, I realize that I'm in the completely wrong area of the building.

Trying to talk to co-workers and having a hard time since my tongue is swollen cause I bit the hell out of it last night eating stir-fry.

Going to the coffee machine and realizing I have to make a whole freaking pot cause they're both empty. Curtosy people, that's all I have to say.

Crappy morning right??

Then by magic it turned around. I checked my hotmail and got and email from the Peace Corps.

Lo and behold I am medically cleared!!! It only took a couple of months (which was generally slack on my side), 4 trips to the doctor's office, 1 trip to the dentist and eye doctor, and $750 in eyeglasses.

And then I got a pear from Harry & David. It doesn't get much better than this my friend.

Christmas

24 baby chicks.

I think that is my most interesting Christmas present by far. In addition to the typical presents under the tree, my parents gave each of us kids 24 baby chicks.... To some family in a third world. Turns out chicks can not only feed a family, but it also gives them a micro-enterprise by selling the eggs.


Props to my parents for thinking outside the box and providing a sustainable living to those less fortunate than us. And it turns out that they're going to do it every year. How sweet is that?


I'm thinking this ranks up there with the Mountain Hardware wind & water resistant pants.

Thanks parents!

Babylon

I walked through the door, announced my name and settled into a soft leather settee. Time passes as I play endless games of solitare on my ipod, never resolving, always restarting the game hoping that my luck will improve after each refreshing of the screen.

I should feel pampered and relaxed in this luxurious place. But instead I feel uncomfortable, akward and insecure. Memories of me as the geeky, scrawy, glasses with braces kid float through my mind and I uncomfortably shift yet once again in my seat. As I sit waiting for my name to be called I hear whispers and snatches of conversations whirling around me.

"Did you see what she did.... and then I said...who the hell does he think he is....that lady didn't even tip me....she is getting so fat....of course I didn't tell him.....she doesn't really like him...."

After my name was called, I sat in a chair and snips of my hair fell to the floor. The conversations continued to float around me.

And as I heard this conversations I began to feel sad and almost sick to my stomache. So often I have been the one in the conversation honestly telling others of what I think of someone. I talk about people alot more than I should. Instead of talking to that person, I talk about them.

I don't want to be that person anymore.

Babylon
By David Gray

Friday night I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

Flake.

I don't know when it became the norm for people my age. But it seems like lately everyone around me is a flake. It's a lack of commitment from anything past 10 minutes from now.

Don't get me wrong, I mean I'm a slight commit-a-phobe. I can't buy a house (cause it's too scary) and I can't buy a dog (cause then I would have to stay at home all the time).

But really it seems like socially my friends can't commit to anything. Take Thanksgiving for example. I asked my friends for an RSVP for the party and only about 10 people said "Yes". But the kicker is that only 4 of those "Yes" people showed up AND about 7 of the "No" people showed up too. And of those remaining 6 "Yes" people, most of them never called to apologize for not showing up.... they're now relegated to my "Are you my friend?" list.

I don't get it. It's common curtasy. Yes, turkey doesn't cost alot. But it sure helps to know a head count so I can know how much turkey to buy.

And sadly, I do have to admit I was a non-commital social person. Well, until I realized how much of a jerk I was. My tactic was something along the lines of hearing all my options and holding out for the best one. If nothing better came along, then sure, yeah, I'd love to come to your party. But if there was a better option, well then I would be a jerk and either cancel at the last minute or call after the party/function/coffee date was already supposed to start.

Wow! Was I really that person? Yeah, yeah I was. And now I'm seeing that most of my friends are the same way. So, to any of my friends reading this....

1. If I make plans with you, that means I made plans. I worked my day and errands around to see you. Yes, I have other obligations, parties and people to see, but I took that into account before making my plans.
2. If I can't make it, it's probably because I'm either sick or grouchy. And you wouldn't want to hang around me anyways.
3. If I can't make it, I'll try to re-schedule.
4. If you are going to cancel on me, let me know as soon as you know you can't do it. Otherwise, you are just being rude.

Ok. I'm done with my rant. Happy Monday!

So I got new glasses the other day and as I glanced in the mirror, I realized that my glasses kinda make me look like Jeff Goldblum.

I swear when I bought them from Lenscrafters they looked cute, but now all I can think of is Jurassic Park.

Chiner vacations

Most people don't go anywhere on vacation. If the world's population was represented by the people that work in my office it would go something like this:

Scrimp and save vacation days.

If you do take a vacation day, in no way whatsoever should you go anywhere. Just stay in the Springs and waste it on mundane chores, appointments, and to-do lists.

If you must go somewhere, you may only visit your family or extended family. This said family must live in mundane and boring states like Nebraska or Montana. Upon taking this type of vacation, you should at least get food poisioning from eating your great-aunt's jell-o salad, or take really dumb pictures so you can tell everyone about your boring vacation life.

In no way whatsoever should you:
a. lump all vacation days together
b. take more than your alloted vacation days in the form of unpaid vacation
c. Go somewhere cool
d. Go out of the country (because anywhere besides the U.S. is really scary *note the sarcasm*)

And of course I did all of the above and the general consensus of my co-workers was to freak out!

I got alot of "What!??! Where are you going? How long are you going to be gone? How much vacation do you have? Are you independently wealthy?" And of course the one I hate the most "Ah, I live vicariously through you!"

My response to most of this was "Yes, I'm a trust fund baby and I just work here to make my dad happy" And the funny thing was most people actually believed me.

The phrase "I live vicariously through you!" just plain creeps me out. Seriously, go and do something instead of just sitting at home watching TV and playing with your cats.

So I left for China for 3 weeks. I didn't think about work once. I got attacked by monkeys, lost (which happens alot to me), and a super sweet tan.

I took 8 flights, 3 train rides, 2 bus rides, numerous taxis and subways all in the matter of 21 days. And I loved it!

So if you are saving vacation days so you can run errands, please don't. Go somewhere fun!